HUMOR FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB
PAGE FOUR
The Three Little Pigs
Jack And The Beanstalk
Snaps!
More Snaps!
Courtroom Gaffs
Gross Jokes
Love Arkansas Style
Peta Commandos
Things To Ponder
The Origin of English Phrases
These are from Politically Correct
Bedtime Stories:
Little
Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding
Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket
of fresh organic fruit and mineral water to her grandmothers house -- not because
this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped
engender a feeling of community.
Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in fully
physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a
mature adult.
So
Red Riding Hood set off with her basket through the woods. Many people believed that the forest was a
foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident
enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not
intimidate her.
On
the way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket. She replied,
"Some healthy snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of
taking care of herself as a mature adult."
The
wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find
your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of
your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has
caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, world view. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my
way."
Red
Riding Hood walked on along the main path.
But, because his status outside society has freed him from the slavish
adherence to linear Western-style thought, the wolf knew a quicker route to
Grandma's house. He burst into the house
and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as
himself. Then, unhampered by rigid,
traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma's
nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red
Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and
nurturing matriarch."
“Thank
you, dear.”
“Grandma,
what big eyes you have!”
"They
have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma,
what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly
attractive in its own way.
"It
has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."
"Grandma,
what big teeth you have!"
The
wolf said, "I am happy with who I am and what I am," and leaped out
of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in
his claws, intent on devouring her. Red
Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the wolf s apparent tendency toward
cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her
screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as
he preferred to be called). When he
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and
the wolf both stopped.
'And
just what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.
"You
burst in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for
you!' she exclaimed. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn
and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's assistance!"
When
she heard Red Riding Hood's impassioned speech, Grandma jumped out of the wolfs
mouth, seized the woodchopper-person's ax, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma,
and the wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an
alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived
together in the woods happily ever after.
Once
there were three little pigs who lived
together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the
area, they each built a beautiful house.
One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house
of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small
kiln. When they were finished, the pigs
were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But
their idyll was soon shattered. One day,
along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry, in both
a physical and an ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on
the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your
gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But
the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of straw. The frightened pigs ran
to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house of straw had stood, other
wolves bought up the land And started a banana plantation. At the house of
sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs,
little pigs, let me in!'
The pigs shouted back, "Go to
hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"
At this, the wolf chucked
condescendingly. He thought to himself:
"They are so childlike in their ways.
It will be a shame to see them go, but progress cannot be stopped."
So the wolf huffed and puffed and
blew down the house of sticks. The pigs
ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other
wolves built a time-share condo resort complex for vacationing wolves, with
each unit a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native
curio shops, snorkeling, and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf
again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in"
This
time in response, the pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of
protest to the United Nations. By now
the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the
carnivore's point of view. So he huffed
and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead
from a massive heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.
The
three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance
around the corpse. Their next step was
to liberate their homeland. They
gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex with machine guns
and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal
health care, and affordable housing for everyone. The End.
Please note: The wolf in this story
was a metaphorical construct. No actual
wolves were harmed in the writing of
this.story.
Once upon a time, on a little farm, there lived a boy named Jack. He lived on the farm with his mother, and they were very excluded from the normal circles of economic activity. This cruel reality kept them in straits of direness, until one day Jacks mother told him to take the family cow into town and sell it for as much as he could.
Never mind the thousands of gallons of milk they had stolen from her! Never mind the hours of pleasure their bovine animal companion had provided! And forget about the manure they had appropriated for their garden! She was now just another piece of property to them. Jack, who didn't realize that non-human animals have as many rights as human animals-perhaps even more-did as his mother asked. On his way to town, Jack met an old magic vegetarian, who warned Jack of the dangers of eating beef and dairy products.
"Oh, I'm not going to eat this cow," said Jack.
"I'm going to take her into town and sell her."
"But by doing that, you'll just perpetuate the cultural mythos of beef, ignoring the negative impact of the cattle industry on our ecology and the health and social problems that arise from meat consumption. But you look too simple to be able to make these connections, my boy. I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll offer a trade of your cow for these three magic beans, which have as much protein as that entire cow but none of the fat or sodium."
Jack made the trade gladly and took the beans home to his mother. When he told her about the deal he had made, she grew very upset. She used to think her son was merely a conceptual rather than a linear thinker, but now she was sure that he was downright differently abled. She grabbed the three magic beans and threw them out the window in disgust. Later that day, she attended her first support group meeting with Mothers of Storybook Children.
The next morning, Jack stuck his head out the window to see if the sun had risen in the east again (he was beginning to see a pattern in this). But outside the window, the beans had grown into a huge stalk that reached through the clouds. Because he no longer had a cow to milk in the morning, Jack climbed the beanstalk into the sky.
At the top, above the clouds, he found a huge castle. It was not only big, but it was built to larger than-average scale, as if it were the home of someone who just happened to be a giant. Jack entered the castle and heard beautiful music wafting through the air. He followed this sound until he found its source: a golden harp that played music without being touched. Next to this self-actuated harp was a hen sitting on a pile of golden eggs. Now, the prospect of easy wealth and mindless entertainment appealed to Jack’s bourgeois sensibilities, so he picked up both the harp and the hen and started to run for the front door. Then he heard thundering footsteps and a booming voice that said:
"FEE, FIE, FOE, FUM, I smell the blood of an English person! I'd like to learn about his culture and views on life! And share my own perspectives in an open and generous way!"
Unfortunately, Jack was too crazed with greed to accept the giants offer of a cultural interchange. “Its only a trick” thought Jack. "Besides, whats a giant doing with such fine, delicate things? He must have stolen them from somewhere else, so I have every right to take them." His frantic justifications remarkable for someone with his overtaxed mental resources revealed a terrible callousness to the giants personal rights. Jack apparently was a complete sizeist, who thought that all giants were clumsy, knowledge-impaired, and exploitable. When the giant saw Jack with the magic harp and hen, he asked, 'Why are you taking my belongings?"
Jack knew he couldn't outrun the giant, so he had to think fast. He blurted out, "I'm not taking them, my friend. I am merely placing them in my stewardship so that they can be properly managed and brought to their fullest potential. Pardon my bluntness, but you giants are too simple in the head and don't know how to manage your resources properly. I'm just looking out for your interests. You'll thank me for this later."
Jack held his breath to see if the bluff would save his skin. The giant sighed heavily and said,
"Yes, you are right. We giants do use our resources foolishly. Why, we won't even discover a new beanstalk before we get so excited and pick away at it so much that we pull the poor thing right out of the ground!"
Jacks heart sank. He turned and looked out the front door of the castle. Sure enough, the giant had destroyed his beanstalk Jack grow frightened and cried, "Now I'm trapped here in the clouds with you forever!"
The giant said, 'Don't worry, my little friend. We are strict vegetarians up here, and there are always plenty of beans to eat. And besides, you won't be alone. Thirteen other men of your size have already climbed up beanstalks to visit us and stayed."
So Jack resigned himself to his fate as a member of the giants cloud commune. He didn't miss his mother or their farm much, because up in the sky there was less work to do and more than enough to eat. And he gradually learned not to judge people based on their size ever again, except for those shorter than he.
Here are excerpts
fro the books “Snaps” and “Triple Snaps”
by James Percelay,
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT..
If she bent over they could show a double
feature on her ass.
Every time she goes to a barbecue, they
put an apple in her mouth.
When I got on top of her I burned my ass
on the light bulb.
Your mama is so fat her mailbox says ‘Home
of the Whopper’
The highway patrol made her wear a sign
saying CAUTION! WIDE LOAD.
Your mother is so fat her butt looks like
two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
When she rides the bus they charge her
double fare.
Your mother is so fat she puts on lipstick
with a paint roller.
When she walks down the street there IS no
other side.
The only time she sees 90210 is on the
scale.
Her yearbook picture was an aerial photo.
Your mama is so fat she carpools by
herself.
Her double chin looks like my ass.
When she tried computer dating it matched
her up with
Your mama is so fat she goes to a
restaurant, looks at a menu, and says, “Okay.”
When she eats at McDonald’s you can see
the numbers change.
Your mama is so fat the weather service
gives names to her farts.
Goodyear rents her out for the Super Bowl.
She’s not on Slim Fast, she’s on Slim
Chance.
Your mother is so fat she’s on BOTH sides
of the family.
She has her own area code.
She puts on high heel shoes in the
morning, and by the end of the day, they’re flats.
Your mama is so fat she can’t wear X
jackets because helicopters keep landing on her back.
When she goes to a restaurant she doesn’t
get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Even her clothes have stretch marks.
Your mother is so fat the landlord took
one look at her and doubled the rent.
When she puts on a raincoat she looks like
a school bus.
Your mamas butt is so big, they call her
ass fault.
Your mamas butt is so big, when toilets
see her coming they put OUT OF ORDER signs on themselves.
Your mother is so fat, she went to a salad
bar and pulled up a chair.
Your mother eats so much, she gets more
runs than a pair of stockings.
YOUR BROTHER IS SO
STUPID
When the judge said “Order in the court,”
he said, “I’ll have five chicken wings and some fried rice.”
The closest he’ll get to a brainstorm is a
light drizzle.
He tried to get a job picking cotton
candy.
He thinks a two-income family is when your
daddy has two jobs.
Your brother is so dumb, he thinks fruit
punch is a gay boxer.
He listed his parole officer as a job
reference.
When his girlfriend told him to do it
doggy style he lay down in the driveway and licked his balls.
He says he doesn’t use toothpaste because
none of his teeth are loose.
He saw a sign that says FINE FOR
PARKING, so he parked.
Your brother is so dumb he thinks Manual
Labor is the President of Mexico.
When I told him he stepped in manure, he
said, “No shit!”
He lost his job as an elevator operator
because he couldn’t remember the route.
Your brother is so dumb he got caught
cheating on his blood test.
He thinks ping-pong balls are a Chinese
venereal disease.
He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone
company.
When the judge said “Order in the court,”
he said, “I’ll have five chicken wings and some fried rice.”
Your brother is so dumb he picked HIMSELF
out of a lineup.
He thought a lawsuit was something you
wear to court.
Your brother is so stupid, I asked him if
he was gay and he said, “No, but my boyfriend is.”
He has only one thing on his mind and he
can’t even remember what that is.
He failed a taste test.
Your brother is so dumb he thought Beruit
was a home run hitter.
It takes him an hour and a half to watch
60 minutes.
Your brother is so dumb he tripped over a
cordless phone.
He went to an L.A. Clippers game to get
his hair cut.
Your brother is so dumb he though TLC was
a sandwich at Blimpe’s.
When I told him to go to the store for two
heros, he brought back Batman and Robin.
Your brother is so dumb he sat in a tree
for a week so he could call himself a branch manager.
When I saw him jumping up and down and
asked why, he said, “I took some medicine and forgot to shake the bottle.”
Your brother is so dumb he though O.P.P
was a miracle drug.
He dialed information to get the number
for 911.
Your brother is so dumb he got stabbed in
a shoot out.
He went to the library to get a book of
matches.
When I told him he lost his mind, he went
looking for it.
Your mama is so dumb I told her we needed
gas, so she farted in the car.
She went to the baker for a yeast
infection.
When I told her to go to the store to buy
a color TV, she said “What color?”
YOUR MOMA IS SO
UGLY
When she entered an ugly contest they
said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
They use her at the zoo to stop monkeys
from jerking off.
The last time she got a piece of ass was
when her hand slipped through the toilet paper.
The last time I saw something like her it
was walking on a leash.
When she goes to the zoo she shows a
MEMBERS ONLY card.
Your mama is so ugly when she was born
they threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
When she walks in a bank, they turn off
the security cameras.
The only way she could get laid is by
crawling up a birds ass and waiting.
Your mama is so ugly the doctor is STILL
smacking her.
She went into a haunted house and came out
with a job application.
Your mama is so ugly her parents named her
Shit Happens.
Your mama is so ugly, her nickname is
‘Damn’.
If ugliness were a crime, she’d get the
electric chair.
Your mama is so ugly she went outside and
got indecent exposure.
The only makeup that could help her is
vanishing cream.
When she was born the doctors were fined
for having an animal in the building.
You’re so ugly, you had to pay a hooker
extra for opening her eyes during a blow job.
Your mama is so ugly she has to sneak up
on the mirror.
She doesn’t have to worry about birth
control, her face does just fine.
If ugliness were bricks, your mother would
be a housing project.
Your mother is so ugly, when she moved
into her new apartment, the neighbors chipped in to buy her curtains.
When she sits in the sand, cats try to
bury her.
Your mama is so ugly her doctor is a
veterinarian.
If God don’t like ugly, then you know
she’s going to hell.
You’re so ugly, every time your mother
looks at you she says, “Damn, I should have just given head.”
Your mama is so ugly, she could make an
onion cry.
If ugliness were an album, your mother
would go platinum.
She’s like Taco Bell, when guys see her,
they run for the border.
Your mother says she’s pretty and young,
but she’s as old as dirt and got hair on her tongue.
Your brother is so hairy, people call him
Nabisco because the hair on his back looks like shredded wheat.
YOUR SO POOR
Bums give YOU money.
You put free samples on layaway
They ask for ID even when you pay cash.
When you found two boxes you said, “Now I
have a two-story house.”
Your family is so poor they go to Kentucky
Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers.
Your family is so poor your TV only has
two channels - on and off.
Your father is so poor, when I saw him
kicking a can down the street and asked him what he was doing, he said,
“Moving.”
YOUR HOUSE IS SO
SMALL
When I asked to use the bathroom, you
said, “Pick a corner.”
There’s no room to complain.
When I came inside and dropped a
cigarette, the roaches came out and said, “Thank the Lord, we got heat!”
Your house is so small, it came in a
Monopoly game.
There are so many roaches in your house,
you should make them sign a lease.
Your house is so poor, they tore it down
to put up a slum.
Your house is so nasty, the rats and
roaches filed a complaint with the Board of Health.
YOUR MOTHER IS SO
OLD
She remembers the
She knew Chubby Checker when he was Slim
Jim.
Your mother is so old she knew the Honey
Comb Bear when he was a Chicago Cub.
Your mother is so old her social security
number is one.
Your mother is so old, her birth
certificate says “Expired.”
Your mother is so old, when David killed
Goliath she ran to get the cops.
Your grandmother is so old, when I told
her to act her age, she died.
MISCELANEOUS SNAPS
Your sister’s breath is so bad, she makes
money on the side peeling paint.
Your sister’s pussy is so stank, it was
condemned by the board of health.
Your breath is so bad, you don’t need to
carry mace.
Your sister is so short, she has to stand
up to go down.
Your sister is so short, she has to stand
on her toes to kiss my ass.
Your sister is so short she could work as
a teller in a piggy bank.
Your brother is so short you can see his
feet on his drivers licence.
Here
are some more Snaps from one of James Percelay, Monteria Ivey, and Steven
Dweck’s “SNAPS” books:
You’re mother is so lose, after sex, she
asks, “Are you boys all on the same team?”
Your girl is like a twinkie - Always
pumped full of cream
I could have been your daddy, but the guy
in front of me had correct change
Your mother’s like a hardware store - Ten
cents a screw
Your mother is like railroad tracks -
She’s laid around the world
Your mother has so many cocks going into
her I had to double park on her ass for an hour
If dick sucking were a business, your
sister would be in the Fortune 500
Your mom is so loose she coughs sperm
Your mother’s idea of world peace is
giving everyone on the planet some ass
Your sister is so lose, when I asked her
if she ever did 69, she said, “No, but I did 70 once.”
Your mother is like a cake - everyone gets
a piece.
Sometimes the funniest things lawyers say
aren't meant to be jokes. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers
were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a
client of the
Was that the same nose you broke as a
child?
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and
doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, "I have to kill you
because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed
in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old
is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have any children or anything of
that kind?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you
recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was
taken?
Were you present in court this morning
when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are
now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception
was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are
emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed
suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't
know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to
the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your
life?
A: Not yet.
A
Q: Do you recall approximately the time
that you examined that body of Mr.