Humor Page Three

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you Imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles In your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss..

Don’t waste your time on Jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes your behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know, still

don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won’t. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected

their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse. But you never knew when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

INTERNET HUMOR - TWO

What’s a virgin?

Someone who doesn’t give a fuck.

What did the Oriental say to the politician?

“Rottsa ruck with your erection!”

How can you tell if your garden has AIDS?

Your pansies are dying.

How did the Priest get AIDS?

He never cleaned his organ between hims.

What’s the difference between Rock Hudson and The President?

The President’s aides haven’t killed him yet.

Why are researchers having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?

They can’t get their lab mice to butt fuck.

How many Somalis can you get into a phone booth?

All of them.

What special feature does the McDonald’s in Somalia have?

A crawl up window.

How dry I am, how wet I’ll be

If I don’t find the bathroom key.

Mary had a little watch,

She swallowed it one day,

And now she’s taking laxatives to pass the time away.

But as the days went on and on

The watch refused to pass.

So if you want to know the time,

Just look up Mary’s ass.

A man went to see his doctor because he was having trouble with his bowels. The doctor asked “Do you have regular bowel movements?”

“Yes,” the man said, “every morning at 7 am.”

“Well, then, what’s the problem?”

“I don’t get up until 8 am.”

Did you hear that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in the family.

Just when I thought I had some sense,

I stuck my dick in an electric fence.

All the hair burned off my balls,

Then I shit in my overalls.

How many figs would a fig-plucker pluck

If a fig-plucker could pluck figs?

Who was the city guy who shot the city sheriff?

A young man went up to his father and asked, “Can I have 20 bucks for a blow job?”

His father said, “I don’t know. Are you any good.”

Do you know what mothballs smell like?

How did you get their legs apart?

What is the quickest way to circumcise a politician?

Put broken glass in his aides ass.

How do you explain physics to a perverted man?

“The heat of the meat plus the mass of the ass equals the angle of the dangle.”

What do dildos and soybeans have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes.

What do you do with a woman who drinks?

Liquor.

What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?

“Will I really drown if you take your finger out?”

What did one testicle say to the other?
“Don’t mind that asshole behind you. We’re working for the prick up front.”

What do you call a warehouse of vibrators?

Toys for twats.

Where does a necrophiliac go to pick up women?

A funeral home.

What’s a necrophiliacs favorite movie?

“Night of the Living Dead”

What did the literary agent say to the other literary agent in the same bed?

“This wife-swapping was a good idea. I hope our wives are hitting it off.”

Why did the lumber truck stop?

To let the lumber jack off.

THE DEVILS DICTIONARY

By Ambrose Bierce

ARSURDITY: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

ACADEME: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

ACADEMY: A modern school where football is taught.

ACCIDENT: An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

ACQUAINTANCE: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

ADHERENT: A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

AMNESTY: The state’s magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

BAROMETER: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

BORE: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

BOUNDARY: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, seperating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.

COMPULSION: The eloquence of power.

CONGRATULATION: The civility of envy.

CONSERVATIVE: A statesman who is enamored with existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

CONSULT: To seek another’s approval for a course of action already decided on.

COWARD: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

CYNIC: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

DISOBEDIENCE: The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

FLAG: A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees on vacant lots in London-"Rubbish may be shot here."

HEARSE: Death's baby carriage.

IMMIGRANT: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

KILL: To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.

KILT: A costume worn by Scotsmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

LAWYER: One skilled in circumvention of the law

LIGHTHOUSE: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.

MARRIAGE: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

OCEAN: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of the world, made for man - who has no gills.

PAINTING: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

POLITICS: A battle of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

PRESIDENCY: The greased pig in the field game of American Politics.

RADICALISM: The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.

Why Did the Chicken

Cross the Road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road. Only in such a manner is the chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Salvador Dali: To dance with the Fish.

Darwin: It was the next logical

step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it fuckin’ wanted to! That's the fuckin’ reason!

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What Road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. A truly remarkable occurence.

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

QUESTION: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?

ANSWER: An offer you can’t understand.

Mommy, Mommy! Jokes

I better warn you. These are sick by anyone’s standards.

Consider yourself warned.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy running away?

mom: Shut up, and help me reload the shotgun!

son: Mommy Mommy! Why are you moaning?

mom: Shut up and keep licking.

son: Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?

mom: Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

son: Mommy Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!

mom: Shut up, we only have it once a month.

son: Mommy Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?

mom: Shut up and kiss me.

son: Mummy, Mummy, what's for dinner?

mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.

son: Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?

mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't like your milk!

mom: Shut up and keep sucking.

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?

mom: You will when you're older, dear!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't wanna be a daddy

mom: Shut up and get in bed.

son: Mommy, mommy, what's a nymphomaniac?

mom: Shut up kid and help me get granny off the doorknob.

son: Mommy! Mommy! What's oral sex?

mom: mmmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!

son: Mommy, Mommy, I don't want to go to England.

mom: Shut up and keep swimming.

son: Mommy, mommy, I don't want any more hamburger!

mom: Shut up and stick your arms back into the meat grinder.

son: Mummy, Mummy, I don't like grandma.

mom: Well leave her on the side of your plate then.

son: Mommy, mommy, are you sure this is how to learn to swim?

mom: Shut up and get back in the sack!

son: Mommy! Mommy! I don't wanna see grandpa!

mom: Shut up, and keep digging.

son: Mommy, mommy, what is a delinquent child?

mom: Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?

mom: Not today, we already dug her up three times this week.

son: Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?

mom: Shut up and get back in the box!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!

mom: Well throw some more gasoline on him then.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

mom: Shut up, you'll wake your father.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?

mom: Shut up and reload.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?

mom: Shut up and flush.

son: Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!

mom: Shut up and eat around it.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!

mom: Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garbage disposal?

mom: Shut up and chew!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?

mom: Shut up and deal.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?

mom: Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!

mom: Shut up and get the marshmallows!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!

mom: Shut up and step on the gas!

son: Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!

mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!

mom: Shut up and eat your hamburger!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?

mom: Shut up and get back in the barrel!

son: Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!

mom: Shut up and eat your french fries!

son: Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make gingerbread men?

mom: Shut up and get back in the oven.

son: "Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."

mom: "No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

daughter: Mommy, Mommy! I had just my first sexual experience. And it was the guy's first time too. His dick was still in the rubber.

THE WORST THINGS TO SAY TO THE POLICE

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's

nightstand.

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around -- that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

Here’s a Dave Barry Article I thought was really funny:

Nude table tennis is this year's can't-miss Olympic event

By DAVE BARRY

Every four years, athletes from all over the world gather to compete in an event that truly epitomizes the purity and non-commercialism of amateur sports:

The Coca-Cola IBM John Hancock Visa UPS McDonalds Kodak Panasonic Samsung Sports Illustrated/Time Xerox Olympic Games, brought to you by NBC.

I don't know about you, but I expect to be literally glued to my TV set from the start of the opening ceremonies until the dramatic moment, three weeks later, when the opening ceremonies finally end, and the first actual athletic event (the women's 300-kilometer balloon toss) gets under way. I don't want to miss a single second of the competition! Unless, of course, the competition is won by a foreigner.

I frankly wonder why foreigners are even allowed to compete in the Olympics. They're always messing up the drama for American TV viewers. Like, NBC will broadcast a heartwarming, sentimental, in-depth profile of an American athlete, showing how, through grit and determination, he overcame a disadvantage that would have stymied a lesser person, such as being born without a head. So the American viewers are naturally expecting to see this person win a gold medal -- and then he gets beat by some athlete from some dirtball vowel-impaired nation with a name like ``Gzkmnzksrygyztan'' that doesn't even HAVE McDonalds!

I hate it when that happens, and so do the people at NBC. That's what led to that memorable moment during the 1996 Atlanta games, when the American favorite in the men's 1500-meter hurdles was nearly defeated by a foreigner, who lost only because he had to run the final 250 meters with Bob Costas clinging to his leg.

Yes, the competitive spirit is fierce in the Olympics. It has been this way since way back in 776 B.C., when the ancient Greeks held the first Olympic games, sponsored by Ted's Discount House of Hemlock. In those days, the athletes competed naked, which as you can imagine meant that there was always a large audience, especially for the trampoline event.

In the modern Olympics, of course, the athletes wear clothes, except in table tennis, which is why this sport is never shown on television. Another difference between old and new is that the modern Olympics are strictly governed by the International Olympic Committee, whose members insure the integrity of the games by relentlessly accepting lavish hospitality and gifts from people seeking favors. Unfortunately, in recent years the IOC has been tainted by allegations of bribery, especially after it voted to award the 2004 summer Olympics to a man identified only as ``Big Tony,'' who plans to use them as entertainment at his daughter's wedding.

But this is no time to think of scandal. This is the time to focus on the games now going on in Australia, which is popularly known, because of its location at the bottom of the globe, as ``the Emerald Isle.'' This is an odd place to hold the summer Olympics, because Australia is, believe it or not, just getting out of winter! That's correct: Because Australia is located in the Southern Hemisphere, everything is backwards: When they sing The Twelve Days of Christmas, they start with the part about 12 maids a-milking; and when they tell jokes, the punchline is always ``Knock knock''; and skilled accordion players are worshiped by teenagers as gods.

This exotic locale is the site of the 2000 Olympics, which officially began with the Lighting of the Eternal Olympic Flame. The flame traveled all the way from Atlanta via a torch relay: Runners took turns carrying it across the United States to California, where it was handed to a plucky young amateur swimmer named Timmy, who, as an enthusiastic crowd cheered him on, plunged into the surf and began his epic journey, making it nearly to the end of the Santa Monica pier before the sharks got him, only 7,500 miles short of his goal. So they had to light the Eternal Flame in Sydney with a Bic, the Official Disposable Butane Lighter of the Olympic Games.

Yes, overcoming adversity is what the Olympic spirit is all about. Let us not forget the words of the solemn prayer spoken by the ancient Greek athletes as they prepared to compete: ``Pi epsilon zeta, tau omega, sigma chi'' (literally, ``I hope somebody invents some kind of supporter'').

NEXT WEEK IN OUR CONTINUING IN-DEPTH OLYMPIC COVERAGE: Kangaroos on Heroin.