HUMOR FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB
Rules Guys Wished Girls Knew
The Last Thing A Woman Would Ever Say
The Real Lessons In Life
Star Wars Trivia
Internet Humor One
10 Things Men Shouldn't Say In Victoria's Secret
How To Clean Your Mouse
Rejected Childrens Books
Top Ten Signs You're Broke
What We Learn From The Movies
War doesn't determine who right, war determines who left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet, high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways, going to
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Baseball wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
9. Seen it all; can't remember most of it.
10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12. He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
17. Pardon my driving. I am reloading.
18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?
19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.
21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them all.
23. You can't have everything; where would you put it all?
24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in the boat all day drinking beer.
28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries
29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.
30. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in the public schools.
31. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
32. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
33. Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
34. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
35. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
36. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
37. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday =3D sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
20. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
25. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
26. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
27. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
31. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
32. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
33. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
34. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
35. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
36. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out
WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
1. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
5. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
6. This diamond is way too big.
7. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
9. Does this make my butt look too small?
10. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
11. I think belching is really sexy.
12. Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
13. Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
14. I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you
see other women.
15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.
16. I love a good cigar after sex.
17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass
18. Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the
20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I
wish I could meet her one day.
21. It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
22. Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson
fight at a bar.
23. Hey, we didn't have sex last night!
24. That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it
25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
26. I understand.
27. You don't swear enough.
28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.
29. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and
we can spend the money we save on beer.
30. Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
32. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that
girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
33. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
34. Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
35. Oh yeah, any hole you want.
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef that
stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
Given the choice of how to be blown.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much you care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.
I've learned that we shouldn’t ditch bad friends. Their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 different languages.
STAR WARS TRIVIA
These were pulled from Mad Magazine:
Q: Where did the Death Star’s thermal exhaust port lead directly to?
Q: According to Obi Wan, what can have a strong influence on the weak minded?
Q: According to the trailer for The Phantom Menace, “Every saga has what?”
A: several licensable characters.
Q: Why were Luke and Leia hidden at birth, according to Obi Wan?
A: To beat hospital charges.
Q: Who told Luke “You can’t hide forever”?
A: Salman Rushdie
Q: Luke was urged to feel what?
A: Obi Wan’s goiter.
Q: Who was described as “being more machine than man”?
A: Al Gore
Q: What did Luke not know the power of, according to Darth Vadar?
A: Toy Licenses
Q: By the end of Return of the Jedi, what was completely destroyed?
A: Mark Hamill’s acting career.
Q: Before any successful attack on the Death Star could be attempted, what had to be deactivated?
A: The audience’s sense of
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no
intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breast went.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
Q. What is the biggest problem for an
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!
Q. Jewish dilemma:
A. Free PORK.
Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.
Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Q. The four words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Is it in yet?"
Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
"Honey, I'm home!"
Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
Feel safe tonight ... Sleep with a cop
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
We have enough youth, how about a Fountain of Smarts?
Axe me bout' Ebonics
Boldly going nowhere
Cat: The other white meat
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
I care. I really care. Now please go away.
I'll trade ten concerned citizens for one intelligent one
things MEN SHOULDN'T say out loud in
#10 "Does this come in children's sizes?"
#9 "No thanks. Just Sniffing."
#8 "I'll be in the dressing room going blind."
#7 "Mom will love this."
#6 "Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable."
#5 "No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here."
#4 "Will you model this for me???"
#3 "The Miracle What?? This is better than world peace!!"
#2 "45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!"
#1 "Oh Honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that."
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious.
“Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
Barney's Big Erection
Charles Manson Bedtime Stories
The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
The Big Book Of Racial Epithets
Barney the Dinosaur Gets Cancer
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Good Morning Mr. Hitler!
Curious George And The Colostomy Bag
Clifford the Big Red Dog is Put to Sleep
The Crack House at Pooh Corner
Daddy Has A Dolly In His Pants
Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
A Children's Guide To Anal Sex
Dr. Mengele's Fun Stuff To Play With Under The Kitchen Sink
A Field Guide to Infectious Diseases Of
David Duke's World of Imagination
Furious George Delivers the Mail
Andrew Dice Clay's Nursery Rhymes For Little People
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
The Little Big Book of Necrophilia
Testing Home Made Parachutes With Nothing But Your Household Pets
Marching Songs Of The 3rd Reich Sing-A-Long Book
Babar Meets the Taxidermist and Becomes a Piano
The Cat In The Cosmetics Lab
Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle
Enticing Young Children To Get In Your Car For Dummies (A Reference For The Rest Of Us)
Let's Meet Idi Amin
John Wayne Gacy's Clown Party Festival
Timmy The Tapeworm and the Barium Enema
James And The Giant Scrotum
Stop It Daddy You're Hurting Me!!! - A Child's Guide To Incest
The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
When Mommy Left Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
Where's Martin Bormann?
The Rainy Day Activity Book Of Things You Can Insert In Your Rectum
Why Mommy And Daddy Have To Sacrifice You To Satan
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge
The Fluffy Little Kitten And The Pit Bull
Green Eggs And Gonorrhea
Hi Mr. Knife!
The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
The KY Jelly Clubhouse
The Legend of Three-Card Monte
Let's Draw Betty and Veronica Without Their Clothes On
Let's Visit A Gay Bath House!
The Little Engine That Could Becomes Intoxicated and Kills Civilians
Little Timmy Goes Though The Windshield
Madeline's Prison Shower Room Adventure
My Sticker Book Of Vaginas (companion to My Sticker Book Of Penises)
Naptime Orgy In A Pile Of Woobies
Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides
Pop! Goes The Hamster... and Other Microwave Games
Safe Sex And The Zip-Lock bag
Squeaky The Dolphin and The Canning Factory
Teddy Bare Gets Undressed
The Tickling Babysitter
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
Where In The World Are Daddy's Guns?
Where's Waldo's Weewee?
How Come Grandma Smells Like Piss?
SIGNS YOU’RE BROKE
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday ... just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struther's sends you food.
13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.
From The Movies:
...All telephone numbers begin with the digits 555.
...It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
...The ventilation system of any building is a great hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
...You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
...Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
...If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
...A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
...When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
...Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
...If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
...Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
...The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or else give him 48 hours to finish the job.
...A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
...Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
...It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
...All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
...It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
...A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
...It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
...Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
...When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
..You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
...Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash
Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Left Waffles on
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Struck by Lightning Faces
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Steals Clock, Faces Time