July 1, 2003

FIND US A HUSBAND, BEG SIAMESE TWINS!
(I can see it on FOX - Who wants to marry a genetic mutation)

HOW TO LIFT A FAMILY CURSE!
(By Lyle Menedez)

IDIOT CUTS OFF GENITALS TO TEACH CHEATING WIFE A LESSON!
(I didn't know Carrot Top was married. Or straight, for that matter.)

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June 24, 2003

SADDAM AND OSAMA IN LOVE!
(Will announce affair on Darma and Greg)

ANGELS DECLARED AN ENDANGERED SPECIES!
(I thought they were already extinct. Along with saints.)

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June 17, 2003

MERMAN CAUGHT IN SOUTH PACIFIC!
(No relation to Ethel)

HARD UP SHEIK TO SELL WIVES ON E-BAY!
(Quick, someone loan me some money)

WOMAN WITH 3 LEGS FOUND!
(But are they sure it's a woman?)

PAINTING OF SADDAM CURES MAN'S HICUPS!
(But causes irritable bowel syndrome)

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June 10, 2003

DALE EARNHARDT'S GHOST SAVE MARINE'S MOM!
(Woman safely recovering in trailer park)

SADDAM'S MUSTACHE FOUND!
(On the corpse of Sonny Bono)

YOU CAN READ YOUR MAN'S MIND!
(But why would you want to?)

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June 3, 2003

IRAQ'S NUCLEAR WARHEADS ARE IN FRANCE!
(Quick, somebody set them off)

MYSTERIOUS SOS COMING FROM TITANIC!
(The Message - 'Stop making horrible movies about me')

SADDAM'S CHEMICAL WEAPONS FOUND!
(Sinister exploding cigars uncovered)

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May 27, 2003

ELVIS IS ALIVE!
(But is he still making crappy music?)

SADAM'S SECRET DIARY FOUND!
(Talk about diary of a madman:)
'March 5, 2003 -
I'm beginning to get attached to my camel.
Why does love have to be so hard?'

GARDEN OF EDEN UNDER US CONTROL!
(Now we can build a Starbucks
so you can get bad coffee in paradise)

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May 20, 2003

TERRORISTS USING SARS VIRUS AS A WEAPON!
(Why don't they just use their body odor as a weapon?)

YOU CAN GET FILTHY RICH SUING YOURSELF!
(I tried that already, but I lost the case.)
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May 13, 2003

WOMAN KEEPS HUBBBY'S CORPSE IN THE HOUSE!
And She uses it as furniture!
(Christ, go to Ikea, or something.
At least he doesn't need viagra.
He's always stiff.)

VIKING FROZEN IN BLOCK OF ICE!
(I know that guy. It's Fran Tarkington.)

WORLD'S SMARTEST DOG SURFS THE NET!
(He probably spends most of his time on bestiality websites.)

NEW VITAMIN CIGARETTES WILL
ADD YEARS TO YOUR LIFE!
(Unfortunately they taste like camel turds.)

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May 6, 2003

TERRORISTS SEDUCING U.S. WOMEN ONLINE!
(So watch out for those Yahoo Personals, ladies.)

TWIN BOYS JOINED AT THE HEAD
NEED YOUR HELP!
Family Can't afford $125,000 surgery
(And they say two heads are better than one.)

TEACHERS USE SIGN LANGUAGE TO TURN
MONKEYS INTO ROCKET SCIENTISTS!
Primate pupils are taught everything from
Poetry to quantum physics
(Yea, but they still smell funny and throw their own feces.)

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April 29, 2003

NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR KIM JONG II
IS REALLY A WOMAN!
(Great. That's just what the world needs.
Another crossdressing mass murderer.)

PAINTING OF JESUS WEEPS TEARS OF REAL BLOOD!
(I wonder if it was a velvet painting.)

3 PIGS HELP A WALLABY ESCAPE FROM ZOO!
A shy kangaroo esacaped from the city zoo to
avoid the amorous advances of his female companion.
(Ah, yes - Sexual harrassment rears its ugly snout.)

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April 22, 2003

BAT BOY FIGHTS IN IRAQ!
Coalition leaders order half-human,
half-bat to take a bite out of Saddam!
The mutant freak Bat Boy emerged from hiding
in the last place anyone expected to see him -
aiding US Troops in Iraq!

SADDAM BUILT A TIME MACHINE!
Stunned Pentagon experts fear that the primitive time machine,
constructed with the help of Russian scientists might actually work.
(I'm not sure Russian scientists could make a vibrator that works.)

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April 15, 2003

OIL FOUND ON MOON!
Gas prices will fall to 10 cents a gallon.
(How they plan on getting it to earth from the moon is beyond me.
200,000 miles would be a pretty long pipeline.)

SPACE ALIENS ARE SENDING THEIR KIDS
TO EARTH's UNIVERSITIES
(Sure, they travel over 25 trillion miles to go to our schools.
I wonder what they're majoring in.
Don't we have enough foreign exchange students as it is?)

MIRACLE CARP SAYS THE END IS NEAR
(It worries me when major New York newspapers and
the Weekly World News start printing the same story.)

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