"I met Jim after a show. My first impression was that he was high on crack.
I later realized that he is just mildly disturbed. That was a relief."
- Peter Parker
New York, NY

"Yea, I heard the CD. I suppose some people might consider it music.
The kind of people they have to put warning labels on hammers for,
telling them not to hit themselves over the head with them."
- Ben Stein
New York, NY

"He came to a show last year. He said, 'Are you going to play a song,
or just mess around with your whammy bar all night? Get a life.'
Who the fuck does he think he is, anyway?"
- Steve Vai
Los Angeles, CA

"Yea, I fucked him. Best sex I ever had. I shit you not.
Jim! If you're out there, please call!! I think I'm pregnant."
- Britany Spears
Los Angeles, CA

"Jim Stiene? All I know is, that boy's got mad flow, you feel me?
He's all that AND a bag of chips, dog. Word is bond."
- Dr. Dre
Detroit, MI

"Me and Jim go waaaay back. I remember the time he came over trying to borrow
money to record his music. He promised to have sex with me if I loaned him $5,000 dollars.
He never did."
- Sandra Bullock
Beverly Hills, CA

"He's all right. He's the one who got me into Scientology.
He said L. Ron Hubbard was a god. Now I know. Thanks, Jim."
- Tom Cruise
Beverly Hills, CA

"I don't know. He's the one who broke up my marraige.
I mean, Tom was okay in the sack, but there's just something about Jim that makes me wet.
I don't know what it is. But he has it, and I think he knows it."
- Nicole Kidman
Los Angeles, CA

"Yea, I know him. He tried to sell me some bad acid.
I tripped my balls off and wound up holding up a 7-11.
He's one fucked up dude."
- Tom Bosley
Hollywood, CA

"Jim Stiene? He asked me if Lambchops ever gave handjobs.
I mean, what kind of question is that, anyway?
Sure, he was as sexy as hell, but I have limits."
- Shari Lewis
Never Never Land

"Yea, I used to go to Jim for advice all the time.
Until the time he suggested a housewife wear a French Maid's Outfit
to her daughters graduation. We kind of lost touch after that."
- Anne Landers
New York, NY

"I liked Jim's music so much, I asked him to sleep withe my wife."
- Reverend Ed Hartman
Tinker Falls, Iowa

"All of Jim's CDs are recorded on CD RWs, so I just
erase all his songs and download Christian music from the Internet."
- Nancy Beltdriver
South Millington, PA

"I once rented an apartment to Jim Stiene.
There was always a funny smell in the hallway near his door."
- Mindy Schwartz
Montclair, NJ

"I sure do like me some o' that 'Dirty Sanchez.'
Me and the old lady's gonna use that for our weddin' song."
- Fred Stallworth
Sleuth Gully, AL

"Dear Mr. Stiene, This letter serves to inform you
that there is an outstanding warrant for your arrest. . . "
- District Attorney's Office
Dade County, FL

"There's so much bullshit on the web these days.
But your site just lowered the bar.
Seek professional help before it's too late."
- OJ Simpson
Brentwood, CA

RESPONSE:
No shit, Sherlock. But who's going to foot the bill?
Thorazine doen't come for free, Dickbreath.
- Jim Stiene