Incontinent Cheerleaders
When Childhood Stars Attack
Dirty Sanchez Petting Zoo
Loreli
California
Dark Horse
Yoda’s Revenge
To The Edge
The Last Song
Stain Upon My Heart (Tidy Bowl)
The Existential Song
Accessories
Disapointed
No Time For Goodbyes
Walk Away
Unquenchable Fire
Shits Creek
Bad News
Fabulous
Me And Kathy Lee
Hold The Mayo
Nasty Girl
Opposites Attract
Suzanne
Desolate Boulevard
Julia
Spank The Monkey
The Garden State
Your Grandma
The Weatherman
Handjobs And Calluses
Rubber And Glue
Irregular
The Alpha Male
Savoir Faire
No One Is Flying The Plane
No Way Out
Flaming Asshole
Rome Wasn't Burned In A Day
Madison Ave
The Ballad Of Bill Gates
Be Kind To Your Colon
INCONTINENT CHEERLEADERS
LORELI
UNQUENCHABLE FIRE
BAD NEWS (Numbers Games)
FABULOUS
ME AND KATHY LEE
HOLD THE MAYO
NASTY GIRL
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
SUZANNE
DESOLATE BOULEVARD
JULIA
SPANK THE MONKEY
THE GARDEN STATE
YOUR GRANDMA
THE WEATHERMAN
HANDJOBS AND CALLUSES
RUBBER AND GLUE
IRREGULAR
THE ALPHA MALE
MY FAIR LADY (Savoir Faire)
NO ONE IS PLYING THE PLANE
NO WAY OUT
FLAMING ASSHOLE
ROME WASN'T BURNED IN A DAY
MADISON AVE
THE BALLAD OF BILL GATES
BE KIND TO YOUR COLON
Well she lights up a room when she smiles
But there's something she won't tell her friends
Underneath all her feminine wiles
Is a badly soiled pair of Depends
Incontinent cheerleaders don't really die
But sometimes they just wish that they could
There's a smell that is hard to describe
It's so hard to be misunderstood
Well the quarterback gives her a wink
And she's feeling so fancy and free
But then something's beginning to stink
As she runs to the restroom to pee
Incontinent cheerleaders don't really die
But sometimes they just wish that they could
There's a smell that is hard to describe
It's so hard to be misunderstood
Well the principle calls her inside
And he asks her if things are okay
But before she can answer in time
There's a lump in her pants on display
Incontinent cheerleaders don't really die
But sometimes they just wish that they could
There's a smell that is hard to describe
It's so hard to be misunderstood
WHEN CHILDHOOD STARS ATTACK
Anson Williams
Has been stalking me
Sometimes it's difficult to be a
Childhood celebrity
Dana Pardo
Robbed a convenience store
But she never got out the door
So the judge let her cop a plea
Won’t someone help them
Get off of speed and coke
Whose going to save the
Cast of Different Strokes
They say Todd Bridges
Smoked a vial of crack
Sometime's it's hard to
Stay on track
When childhood stars attack
Won’t someone help them
Get off of speed and coke
Whose going to save the
Cast of Different Strokes
Winnona Ryder
Stole a pair of socks
It must have come as
Such a shock
And now she's a laughing stock
Won’t someone help them
Get off of speed and coke
Whose going to save the
Cast of Different Strokes
DIRTY SANCHEZ PETTING ZOO
When Sanchez got out of school
He avoided work as a general rule
He wasn't looking for a new career
But then one day he had a good idea
To give people what they really want
Dirty picture's of a lama's cunt
Purple Nurples and Wedgies too
At Dirty Sanchez' Petting Zoo
Goose a monkey or cop a feel
Get turned on by electric eel
Have your way with a dog named Spot
Watch a rhino cop a squat
Well Sanchez knew he was really on to something
So he set up a meeting with some investment bankers from JP Morgan and Merrill Lynch
Who were enthusiastic about bestiality themselves.
With their help, he raised the venture capital needed to start a petting zoo in Fresno California where the general atmosphere was animal friendly, and the weather was kind of nice too.
Well, people came from all walks of life. Madonna wanted to have sex with an Orangutan she fancied. Geraldo Rivera wanted to lick a donkey's ass. Well, I got plenty of stories, but I should probably get back to the chorus at this point in time.
Purple Nurples and Wedgies too
At Dirty Sanchez' Petting Zoo
Watch a giraffe take a leak
Dress a human up as a sheep
Goose a monkey or cop a feel
Get turned on by electric eel
Well Sanchez was making a lot of money from his petting zoo. But soon there was a lot of outrage from the Catholic Church who were against having sex with animals. Whereas they were kind of partial to having sex with children, themselves. Sanchez even considered going into another field where people appreciated bestiality like law or politics. But eventually he sold the petting zoo and became an anchorman for NBC after changing his name to Dan.
Purple Nurples and Wedgies too
At Dirty Sanchez' Petting Zoo
Watch a giraffe take a leak
Dress a human up as a sheep
Goose a monkey or cop a feel
Get turned on by electric eel
Have your way with a dog named Spot
Watch a rhino cop a squat
Purple Nurples and Wedgies too
At Dirty Sanchez' Petting Zoo.
Loreli is sleeping
While the rain is gently seeping
Through my window pain
The moon is slowly creeping
While the rain is softly weeping
Like the summer rain
And then some asswipe from MCI calls
And asks to switch my mother fucking plan
Dear God, won’t these douche bags just leave me alone?
Dear God, won’t these douche bags just leave me alone?
The sun is slowly rising
Peaking over the horizon
Like a little girl
I take some time to reflect
On the things I can not neglect
In this busy world
And then some asswipe from MCI calls
And asks to switch my mother fucking plan
Dear God, won’t these douche bags just leave me alone?
Dear God, won’t these douche bags just leave me alone?
The sun is slowly setting
And I know there’s no forgetting
Friends and family
The birds are singing sweetly
And the twilight comes to greet me
By their harmony
And then some asswipe from MCI calls
And asks to switch my mother fucking plan
Dear God, won’t these douche bags just leave me alone?
Dear God, won’t these douche bags just leave me alone?
CALIFORNIA
California
Is the place to be
To lose your sense of purpose
And all integrity
They got movie stars
And fancy cars
But not a whole lot else
Still it’s nice
To have a slice
Of your own private hell
Hollywood’s a rat infested pisshole
Californy
Is the place to be
To catch a rising starlet
And a bad case of VD
They got billionaires
And gang warfare
But not a whole lot else
Still it’s nice
To have a slice
Of your own private hell
Hollywood’s a rat infested shithole
California
Is the place to be
With rolling blackouts
And riots in the street
They got burning cars
And movie stars
But not a whole lot else
Still it’s nice
To have a slice
Of your own private hell
Hollywood’s a rat infested pisshole
DARK HORSE
Johnny wants to run for president
But he likes to have sex with his cat
Johnny says it wasn’t an accident
He got caught with a vial of crack
He’s a dark horse running in the dead of the night
But he don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in a fight
He’s a dark horse running like a dog with three legs
Got a much better chance being sent into space
Johnny says he like wearing woman’s clothes
But he never comes out in the night
Johnny’s says he’s counting on exit polls
He can wup any man in a fight
He’s a dark horse running in the dead of the night
But he don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in a fight
He’s a dark horse running like a dog with three legs
Got a much better chance being sent into space
Johnny spent some time in a special school
Where he rode in the small yellow bus
People say that Johnny is stupid and rude
And he goes to church only to cuss
He’s a dark horse running in the dead of the night
But he don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in a fight
He’s a dark horse running like a dog with three legs
Got a much better chance being sent into space
Like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
Johnny’s future is not quite as bright as he thinks
He’s a dark horse running in the dead of the night
But he don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in a fight
He’s a dark horse running like a dog with three legs
Got a much better chance being sent into space
YODA’S REVENGE
It’s a stupid song
Hope it doesn’t take too long
Obi Wan Kenobi
Had some minestrone
Got a case of gas
Yoda had a soda
Moved to Minnesota
Smoked a bag of grass
It’s a stupid song
If you want then sing along
Obi Wan Kenobi
Screwed Mama Leoni
What a piece of ass
Yoda had a soda
Moved to North Dakota
Smoked a Vial of crack
It’s a stupid song
Hope it doesn’t take too long
Obi Wan Kenobi
Offered matrimony
Married Mama Cass
Yoda had a soda
Bought a used Toyota
Drove it till he crashed
It’s a stupid song
If you want then sing along
Obi Wan Kenobi
Skipped the ceremony
Went right to the sex
Yoda had a soda
Got the Ayatollah
To endorse a check
It’s a stupid song
Hope it didn’t take too long
Obi Wan Kenobi
Paid his alimony
Not his child support
Yoda had a soda
Puked on Abe Vigoda
Who took him to court
It’s a stupid song
Hope it didn’t take too long
Obi Wan Kenobi
Gave his testimony
On his friend’s behalf
Yoda filled his quota
To learn Espanola
Left in his spacecraft
TO THE EDGE
Come on baby take a walk with me
Let’s go down to the sea
I will take you for a ride
There’s a sausage I must hide
Come on baby don’t be shy
I am not that kind of guy
You know you’ll have no regrets
I will make your panties wet
To the edge
I want to take you down
To the edge
I’ll take you all around
To the edge
We’re gonna paint the town
To the edge
Oh Baby please go down
To the edge
I want to take you down
To the edge
I’ll take you all around
To the edge
We’re gonna paint the town
To the edge
Oh Baby please go down
I am such a lonely man
I’m so tired of my hand
Let me take you for a ride
You will get a big surprise
I’m so lonely I could die
Since you found another guy
Let me take you by the hand
I am a psychotic man
To the edge
Oh baby, please go down
To the edge
I want to take you down
To the edge
I’ll take you all around
To the edge
We’re gonna paint the town
To the edge
Come on baby take a walk with me
Let’s go down to the sea
I will take you for a ride
There’s a sausage I must hide
Come on baby don’t be shy
I am not that kind of guy
You know you’ll have no regrets
I will make your panties wet
THE LAST SONG
My cat got sick and I got the flu
Then I got a call from you
You said that they just cancelled Will and Grace
How much more can one man take
At times it makes your heart just break
Some days I don’t see how I can go on
It’s the last song you’ll ever hear
I am going to disappear
I’ll be just a stain upon the street
Last song I’ll ever sing
I see no point in anything
At time it’s better to admit defeat
I broke a nail
And lost my keys
My cat got sick
The dog has fleas
It’s hard to live with so much suffering
I’m out of milk
The toast is dry
At times it makes a grown man cry
I just don’t see the point in anything
It’s the last song you’ll ever hear
I am going to disappear
I’ll be just a stain upon the street
Last song I’ll ever sing
I see no point in anything
At time it’s better to admit defeat
STAIN UPON MY HEART (Tidy Bowl)
When everything in life
Gets a bit too dark
Time to grab your balls
Hit them out of the park
Tidy bowl
Clean this stain upon my heart
Just like Mop and Glow
Got to lose before you start
Sometimes those pearly whites
Can get tobacco stains
When there’s no Lemon Joy
And all that’s left is pain
Tidy bowl
Clean this stain upon my heart
Who needs whiter than white
When you life’s falling apart
No other brand delivers
This kind of satisfaction
Take as directed to
Avoid adverse reaction
They’ll sell you anything
I’d give my kingdom for some truth
Tidy bowl
Clean this stain upon my heart
They say that god is dead
Then put the horse before Descarte
Tidy Bowl
Please release me from this pain
Can’t buy my soul
Can’t flush my troubles down the drain
THE EXISTENTIAL SONG
This song doesn’t have a point of view
Or a reason for existing, but it does
Simply cause I’m weird
And I like the sound of hearing my own voice
I know that’s pretty self indulgent
Not easy to deny
But you never know
People might just like it
Can’t account for taste
Can’t account for living
And In your sick little world
This might pass for entertainment
I know it does in mine
And that suits me fine
Hey I did a rhyme
There I did again
It’s getting habit forming
Hey this song ain’t bad
In fact it’s pretty good
And if Tom Waits were here
I’m sure that he’d agree
That I’m misunderstood
And even Anton Chechov
Would never show his face
Now that I have written
The best words in existence
Self delusions great
This song has no point
Very much like life
You just got to wing it
And have a funky time
Hoping people sing it
Cause if they don’t they’ll die
Wondering what it’s like
To ride without a helmet
To live without a clue
To think without a mind
To sniff way too much glue
Then write some stupid song
That people really hate
Even though it’s great
Though nobody likes it
Because it is my song
And I don’t really care
Because if life sucks
Better learn to vacuum
Better suck it up
Better learn to live
With failure and defeat
That’s what they call life
As jagged as a cow
Okay, bad example
But at least I tried
Okay, I just lied
That was pretty lame
And who is to blame
If this song just reeks
Of anger and self pity
Guess it’s pretty shitty
But that’s just tough titties
No sex in the city
No hope for the doomed
Aha, you see, I tricked you
You thought that this was fun
But it’s nihilistic
Let’s be realistic
It’s stupid and insane
Very much like life
Very much like death
You shouldn’t waste your breath
On trying to figure it out
Because it is so pointless
We all die in the end
And then the worms will eat you.
No one there to greet you
Ain’t no pearly gates
No such thing as fate
No such thing as truth
Cause life has no meaning
And there is no God
We all die alone
Destitute and broke
That’s the way it goes
Won’t you sing along
To the pointless song
So here goes
Life has no meaning...
ACCESSORIES
Well my next door neighbor
Wanted me to do a favor
She was thirty six and looking good
Well her husband went away
Wouldn’t be back for three days
I can tell you it was understood
She was watching Doctor Ruth
And to tell you the truth
I didn’t know just what she had in mind
But her batteries were spent
And I had to pay the rent
So I said that I would give it a try
But why do you need all these weird accessories
My units working just fine
Well I must have been a fool
When I saw her power tools
I was getting set to head for the door
I said, I thought that it was me
You were dying to see
But this place looks like a hardware store
She said I know it seems strange
But I needed a change
And my husband’s such an arrogant bore
And I needed something new
Didn’t know what to do
Until I went into a novelty store
Man and Machine it’s that old rivalry
I’ve got to think about me
Well at first I was unsure
And a bit insecure
But I’ve overcome my anxiety
And you know that it’s true
People ask what I do
I say I operate big machinery
Now my neighbor’s divorced
As a matter of course
I could see her husband was such a bore
We’re together at last
I’m enthusiast
And we’ve opened up a novelty store
Man and machine can live in harmony
No problem here anymore
DISAPOINTED
I got some quarters for the girlie show
Forty dollars for a gram of blow
A pack of Camels and a ticket home to you
But I'm tired and I'm feeling low
A go-go dancer told me where to go
Why am I always disappointed
Nothings as easy as it seems
Why am I always disappointed
True love is only a wet dream
I got a giant stack of magazines
I got some videos that no one's seen
A babysitter that's just seventeen today
But when I talk to her she acts so cold
She tells me that I am too fat and old
Why am I always disappointed
Nothings as easy as it seems
Why am I always disappointed
Romance is only a wet dream
You're always saying that I'm infantile
I'm always chasing after juveniles
You say it's time that I begin to act my age
But when my babysitter treats me cold
I take some snapshots outside her window
Why am I always disappointed
Nothings as easy as it seems
Why am I always disappointed
Romance is only a wet dream
If you see me outside your window
Or my heavy breathing on the phone
Or you see me in my overcoat today
I'm just trying to have a little fun
You don't have to grab your things and run
After all there's really no harm done anyway
Don't be startled it's the way I am
I mooned a nun, but she just turned and ran
Why am I always disappointed
Nothings as easy as it seems
Why am I always disappointed
True love is only a wet dream
Why am I always disappointed
Nothings as easy as it seems
Why am I always disappointed
True love is only a wet dream
NO TIME FOR GOODBYES
Some people say
Life is slipping away
Like a vessel that’s perched on the brink
Here’s to remorse
You can fuck a dead horse
If you don’t like the way that I think
I saw a light in the middle of the night
But it was just the dying embers of the day
Don’t ask me why
There’s a god in the sky
Who’s as ruthless as nature itself
I never said
I would rise from the dead
When I’m destined
For life here in Hell
I saw a light in the middle of the night
But it was just the dying embers of the day
I’ll lose my voice
But it isn’t my choice
Because time always robs you of youth
Not going to cry
When it’s time for goodbyes
Because I am in search of the truth
I saw a light in the middle of the night
But I’m hoping it’s the dawning of the day
God knows the truth
But it don’t take a sleuth
To see living is never in vain
Take what you get
And forget the regrets
Because happiness outweighs the pain
WALK AWAY
Seven o’clock and there’s nothing but silence
Covering Eighth Avenue
Get up and face the despair and the violence
There’s nothing else I can do
Wait at the station, dead on arrival
Dying for something to drink
Stomach is crawling
Temperature’s falling
Trying my best not to think
Walk away, Walk away
Got get out of here
Walk away, Walk away
These are the wages of fear
People are staring, nobody caring
Trapped in their own private hell
Looking for answers
Truth is a cancer
Trapped in a memory cell
Give me a ticket
Out of the thicket
Give me an oxygen mask
Trying to leave but it’s so hard to breath
Floating around in a flask
Walk away, Walk away
Got get out of here
Walk away, Walk away
These are the wages of fear
Leaving the tunnel
Into the sunlight
Cities are passing me by
Life is a train ride
Seen from the inside
Death is the end of the line
Too young to buy it
Already tried it
Guess that it wasn’t my time
People are dying
I would be lying
Saying it wasn’t a crime
Just Walk away, Walk away
Got get out of here
Walk away, Walk away
These are the wages of fear
Love is a flame that ignites from within
Where pleasure and pain are mistaken for sin
Passion’s a fire of sweat and remorse
A tunnel of love that was made to explore
Lust is an angel that cries in your ear
The words of desire that you long to hear
Love is a whisper
A look in the eyes
Passion is nothing when love has arrived
Now you see through
My severe veneer
And I see through
Your odd façade
Hellfire and brimstone can nurture desire
The tears of an angel can put out a fire
Pity the poor soul who’s never known love
The angels are crying from heaven above
Love is surrender to inner desire
A stairway that leads us to what we aspire
Stand in the sunshine or wait in the rain
Accept the burden of pleasure and pain
Now you see through
My severe veneer
And I see through
Your odd façade
UP SHITS CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE
When you’re young they pack you up
And send you off to school
Then say sit down and then shut up
Like you’re a fucking tool
Pretty soon you just don’t want
To listen to them prattle
But you’re up shits creek without a paddle
They teach you how to follow rules
And live within their borders
They show you how to be real weak
And how to follow orders
They show you how to stand in line
Just like your fucking cattle
But you’re up shits creek without a paddle
You go to work but now you know
The way to scrape the floor
With some obsequious bullshit
Or else you’re shown the door
Pretty soon you start to learn
The way to choose your battles
Or you’re up shit’s creek without a paddle
You get hooked up then have some kids
And follow all the laws
You go to church and pray to god
And humor your in laws
You teach your kids the way to beg
To grovel, cry and tattle
Or they’re up shit’s creek without a paddle
The kids are grown. You’re in a home
They feed you through a straw
And treat you like a five year old
Who broke some traffic law
But you’re so good at groveling
And drooling like you’re chattel
Cause you’re up shits creek without a paddle
Yes you’re up shits creek without a paddle
Now you’re up shits creek without a paddle
Don’t rock the boat
People are so violent
We just sit and watch in silence
Countries liquidating
Always pull a four point rating
Buildings crash and burn
People never learn
If they really care
It’s a five point share
If it goes to trial
They won’t touch that dial
Watch your local news
Pull in revenues
When the troops attack
We can all sit back
We can all take turns
Watch the planet burn
Cause the bottom line
Is that 3.9
Horror on TV
Sells their SUVs
Armies are advancing
We just get some new financing
If we don’t like the angle
We can always change the channel
Buildings crash and burn
People never learn
If they really care
It’s a five point share
If it goes to trial
They won’t touch that dial
Watch your local news
Pull in revenues
When the troops attack
We can all sit back
We can all take turns
Watch the planet burn
Cause the bottom line
Is that 3.9
Horror on TV
Sells their SUVs
It’s all so entrancing
People, you just keep on dancing
Here’s to
All the Einstein’s
Watching bombs drop from the sidelines
Buildings crash and burn
People never learn
If they really care
It’s a five point share
If it goes to trial
They won’t touch that dial
Watch your local news
Pull in revenues
When the troops attack
We can all sit back
We can all take turns
Watch the planet burn
Cause the bottom line
Is that 3.9
Horror on TV
Sells their SUVs
Oscar De Larenta made a dress for Britney Spears
That could feed a hundred people
And then house them for a year
There’s people slowly dying
Sick and tired of your shit
You could probably cure cancer
For what Cher spent on her tits.
But you’re so fabulous
Sparkling and glamorous
So fucking fabulous
Why don’t you suck on this
Madonna bought a mansion
And a vista by the lake
Spent a million dollars on her shoes
And let them all eat cake
J-Lo’s got an airplane
But I just got a hunch
You could probably buy a country
For what Oprah spends on lunch
But you’re so fabulous
Sparkling and glamorous
So fucking fabulous
Why don’t you suck on this
Well Michael Jackson bought the farm
Then paid off mom and dad
With a Billion dollar Pepsi deal
So why’s Macaulay sad
Say hurray for Hollywood
And roll the carpets out
And watch the peasants stand in line
The Paparazzi shout
You’re so fabulous
Sparkling and glamorous
So fucking fabulous
Why don’t you suck on this
They say that life is short
They say that love is sweet
I want to do some nasty things
On top of Kathy Lee
Cause Dr Jim is in the house
The room is really humming
There’s a party in your mouth
And everyone is coming.
I’ll cover you in honey mustard
Read you Doctor Seuss
Then I’ll rock your little world
With universal truths
Cause Kathy Lee was meant for me
When I get out of jail
I’m want to slip the fat one in
While she’s doing her nails
When her husband croaks
And Cody chokes
Then I will be the man
Then Kathy Lee can be with me
And please me with her hand
I was hungry I was tired
Needed something quick
Went into the local diner
The owner was a dick
When I got my BLT
It wasn’t what I want
Told the waitress to drop dead
And then called her a cunt
When I say to hold the mayo
Mother fucking do
I don’t want this crappy sandwich
I’m one angry Jew
Hold the mayo, hold the mayo
How hard can that be
I was screaming till the whole place
Was staring at me
Well the owner got real angry
Tried to kick my ass
Tried to stop him
But I couldn’t
Tried to leave there fast
Guess that it was my own fault
Because I like to rant
When the owner beat me senseless
I peed in my pants
Hold the mayo, hold the mayo
How hard can that be
Now it hurts me when I sit down
And it’s hard to pee
Hold the mayo, hold the mayo
Why does god hate me
Who wants a perverted sandwich
For a BLT
She was a dirty girl
With a kitchen blender
She looked like Minnie Pearl
And she said ‘Hey big spender!
Do you know where I can plug this in?'
I said, I hear you knocking but you can’t come in
It was getting late
I’d had a lot to drink
I was really tired
I was too drunk to think
I said, I’ll let you in if you don’t bring your toy
What makes you think that I’m that kind of boy?
She was a nasty girl
With a whiskey bottle
And she asked me if
I like my love full throttle
She said, Do you know where I can stick this in?
I said I hear you knocking, but you can’t come in
Well it was getting late
My cup had runeth over
She asked me to come in
I asked her to bend over. I said
Do you know where I can stick this in?
She said, I hear you knocking, but you can’t come in
She had a hand me down wedding gown
She drove a pickup truck with the windows down
He had a devil may care savoir-faire
He drove his coup Deville into Shantytown
Opposites attract like a heart attack
And an ambulance, it’s a proven fact
She’s too good for him and his life of sin
But he makes her laugh and she makes him grin
They got hitched at noon on the sixth of June
With a fifth of Jack and a silver spoon
But by July 4th they wanted a divorce
Guess it goes to show how the wind will blow
Like an old crack whore or a winter snow
Nothing lasts forever, dead grass won’t grow
When its time is up then its time to go
Opposites attract like a heart attack
And an ambulance, it’s a proven fact
She’s too good for him and his life of sin
But he makes her laugh and she makes him grin
Suzanne
I’m begging you please
Go down on your knees
You’ve got a social disease
Suzanne
There’s a pill you can take
Before it’s too late
And you get trouser cheese
Well I’m not one to start idle chatter
But crotch rot is no laughing matter
Suzanne
You better wash that thing.
(Rinse and repeat verse and chorus)
Love is sweet but life is hard
I fell in love but I came out scarred
Your tortured souls and forgotten bards
Haunt the desolate boulevard
It's a long dark road and a lonely path
If you live your life in pursuit of wrath
The past is gone you can not go back
Life's so sad that I have to laugh
It's all for one and one for all
I loved a girl I can't recall
I tried to fly but the engine stalled
I climbed so high I was bound to fall
Take my hand and I won't look back
You have everything I lack
There's dead and wounded on the tracks
They haunt this lonely cul-de-sac
Julia, Julia
You know I’m not the type of guy to leave
But Julia, Julia
I wish you wouldn’t wipe your nose on your sleeve
You know I love you and you know I miss you
But Jesus Christ, just learn to use a tissue
Julia, Julia
Don’t you know I really love you so
But Julia, Julia
When you gonna learn to blow your nose
You know I love you and you know I miss you
But Jesus Christ, just learn to use a tissue
Julia, Julia
I know I said we’d always be together
But Julia, I have to go
Until you start to get your shit together
You know I love you and you know I miss you
But Jesus Christ, just learn to use a tissue
Julia, Julia
I know I said that we would soon get hitched
But Julia, Julia
There’s people calling you a snotty bitch
You know I love you and you know I miss you
But Jesus Christ, just learn to use a tissue
Julia, Julia...
You change the oil, clean the glass
You’ve got a tattoo on your ass of J-lo
A red blooded American
You read the tabloids on the can, but I know
You father is your uncle too
You choke the chicken till it’s blue
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, I know you spank the monkey
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, you brain dead, inbred honkey
You’re living in a minivan
You’re Jerry Springer’s biggest fan
Your dad’s a pimp, your mom’s a ho
Your brother wears your sister’s clothes, on Sunday
Your dog is gay, your cat’s on crack
Your hamster had a heart attack on Monday
You’re Jerry Springer’s biggest fan
You living in a minivan
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, I know you spank the monkey
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, Why don’t you blow a donkey.
You father is your uncle too
You choke the chicken till its blue
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, I know you spank the monkey
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, Why don’t you blow a donkey
You say your Kid Rock’s biggest fan
You’ve got a stiff cock in your hand
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, I know you spank the monkey
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, You white trash, dumb ass junkie
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, I know you spank the monkey
Spanking it, spanking it, spanking it, Why don’t you blow a donkey.
I awoke in a terrible state
Where everyone lives near the Parkway
And breathing in chemical waste
You get stuck in the rush hour delay
From the strip malls the girls with big hair
Are still talking about Bon Jovi’s latest
No one told them that metal is dead
They still think that his songs are the greatest
It’s a rat hole, but I love it
If you don’t why don’t you shove it
It’s a wasteland with no culture
The meat markets swarm with vultures
The Meadowlands sits on a swamp
Where it hosts teams ashamed to use our name
Our state governments run by the mob
Who they hire to remove all the waste
We got metal detectors in school
An assortment of drugs for the taking
We’ve got airports besides our backyards
And we think that the view is breathtaking
It’s a rat hole, but I love it
If you don’t why don’t you shove it
It’s a wasteland with no culture
The markets swarm with vultures
I must have lied a thousand times when I was still a youth
But this time I swear to god
I'm telling you the truth
I never kissed your sister and I never kissed your ma
But I got Drunk late last night and slept with your grandma
I did her in the kitchen and I did her in the den
I did her in the living room and I'd do her again
They say that I'm a troubled man
They say that I'm a freak
They say that I'm a grave robber
But honey I'm just weak
I never kissed your sister and I never kissed your ma
But I got Drunk late last night and slept with your grandma
The big attraction's satisfaction
Without getting too deep
She's got a grip with her new hip
She's missing all her teeth
I never kissed your sister and I never kissed your ma
But I got Drunk late last night and slept with your grandma
I did her in the kitchen and I did her in the den
I did her in the living room and I'd do her again
She’s quiet a talker with her new walker
She shuffles down the street
The people stare
But I don’t care
She asks them ‘Where’s the beef?’
I never kissed your sister and I never kissed your ma
But I got Drunk late last night and slept with your grandma
Today the weatherman predicted doom
Tomorrow’s prophet’s screaming from the womb:
“Brick by brick we’re building our own tomb
And suffering from self inflicted wounds.”
We rose up from the mud
The rivers run with blood
The web we weave is rotting on the loom
The four horsemen already left the gate
And when the clock strikes twelve, then it’s too late
You better build a vessel for the flood
Or be prepared to return to the mud
The joker wears the crown
The clock is winding down
Today the weatherman predicted doom
The advertisers hawking fresher breath
The anchormen are profiting from death
The lawyer sold his sister for a dime
Distinguished colleagues plan atrocious crimes
Today the weatherman predicted rain
To wash away the evil heal the lame
The hounds of hell are singing their refrain
That no one seems to be flying the plane
The hangman pulls the switch
The bodies start to twitch
The heretics are leading the insane
Hand jobs and calluses
Go together like drinking and driving or
Being raped in prison and surviving
Hand jobs and calluses are like
A steamy date and gonorrhea or
Your great new job in North Korea
Hand jobs and calluses are like
Tripping at work while on probation or
Undressing for your presentation
Hand jobs and calluses are like
Biker bars and business casuals
Or sex offenders in nursery schools
Hand jobs and calluses are like
Klan t-shirts at Ice Cube concerts
Or telling a Shiite to convert
Hand jobs and calluses are like
Hitler youth at a Bar Mitzvah
Or wearing tights in a militia
You say that I’m a simple guy
I know you are but what am I
Cause I am rubber you are glue
All you say bounces off me and sticks to you
Here I sit all broken hearted
Tried to shit but only farted
Whoever said the rhyme did the crime
Whoever smelt it dealt it every time
Woman don’t tell me your lies
You got coodies that you can’t disguise
And long and thin might go right in
But short and thick will do the trick
You beat me in a tug of war
But my father can beat up yours
And I don’t care what you say
Your lunchbox is completely gay
You say that I’m a simple guy
I know you are but what am I
Cause I am rubber you are glue
All you say bounces off me and sticks to you
There are times in life
Just can’t do the things
You really want to do
Cuts just like a knife
When everything seems to
Come out like a bloody stool
It’s irregular
Irregular
Told my doctor ‘bout
How much it hurts but
His hands were tied
Groping a nurse
Told my preacher but
He seemed really torn between
Teaching good from bad
Or watching kiddie porn
He's irregular
Irregular
Asked my lawyer but
He claimed immunity
And said his hands were full
Getting some rapist free
I’d ask my therapist but
He just slit his writs
But then who am I to
Question his sanity
It’s irregular
Irregular
I asked a politician
For one honest admission
He said that lying was in style
I guess it goes to show
How little people know
Our leaders unfit to stand trial
They're Irregular
It’s Irregular
So many proud professions
Wallow in our confessions
And profit from our hurt
I guess I should respect them
And try not to reject them
But I’ve got the Hershey squirts
It’s irregular
It’s irregular
You say I’m a weirdo
But everyone knows
You went to a Jets game
And wore women’s clothes
You’ve got some problems
With bladder control
You like to snort hairspray
When you blow your nose
Take you head out your ass
You dated your sister
And tongue kissed your mom
You tried to take your dog
To the senior prom
You like to wear diapers
When you go to town
Then go to a health spa
And hang upside down
Take your thumb out of your ass
You hang out at funerals
Looking for dates
You go to a rest home
And then masturbate
You listen to Winger
Just for the words
You have an aroma
Like dinosaur turds
Take your dick out that cat (Here kitty)
You want your own talk show
You’ll probably succeed
In raising the IQ
Of daytime TV
You fondle your uncle
When he’s on the can
You want a prescription
For Marzipan
You’re so precocious
It’s quite atrocious
But then I’ve come to recognize your finer points
You are appealing
And quite revealing
Let’s share a glass of Zinfandel, then split this joint
Or meet for crumpets
My buttered strumpet
I can’t help noticing your derriere’s divine
So quit your stalling
We should be balling
So let’s get jiggy with it while we have the time
I must declare
Your savoir faire
Is world renown from London to the farthest shores
If there’s a doubt
I’ll whip it out
Two out of three, will never match, four on the floor
You are enchanting
I’ll take you dancing
I must admit you have the most bewitching style
The clock is ticking
I should be sticking
My nose between the lips of your vertical smile
You are delicious
Is it malicious
To simply recognize your obvious appeal?
Is it presumptuous
To say you’re scrumptious?
Is it unkind to want to listen to you squeal?
Spoken: (I must say, old girl, that was sublime, but I wish you’d be more careful with your teeth)
Too many people want to see us dead
They fly into buildings with diapers on their head
But my god can beat up yours
So let’s start a holy war of
Unwashed fanatics and hypocrites
Preparing for the apocalypse
No one is flying the plane
Too many people kill for their beliefs
Women and children get trampled under feet
Louisiana to Pakistan
Pervert the bible, and misuse the Koran
A cast of heathens and infidels
Plotting our course on the way to hell
No one is flying the plane
Inquisitions in prisons round the world
Torturing children and raping girls
I guess I just don’t understand why
Belief and violence go hand in hand
Sadistic rulers and southern clowns
The bomb throwing media just watch us drown
No one is flying the plane
Kidnappings, crusades and oppression
The world’s police protecting investments
Their faith in money unshakable
Pushing a rock up and down a hill
They say that Adam was made from mud
The rivers flow with children’s blood
No one is flying the plane
Self-righteousness rules us today
The left and right wage their crusades, while
Cave dwelling leaders plot our demise
If there’s a god, somewhere he probably cries
If there’s no hell then we will make one here
By ruling people with hate and fear
No one is flying the plane
The fires burning on a dead end street
Where the only thing they know's defeat
Two blocks down the high rise cuts the night
Well heeled bankers dine by candlelight
While the beggar cries
I never said I was your alibi
I never said that I’d repeat your lies
From the tenements where dreams all die
The debutantes are flashing diamond rings
The cripple in the subway starts to sing
The bag ladies start to scream and shout
This is hell and there is no way out
While the beggar cries
I never said I was your alibi
I never said that I’d repeat your lies
From the tenements where dreams all die
No Way, No Way out
Caddies burning on the overpass
Like an empire nothing ever lasts
When disparity exceeds despair
Then the smoke will rise into the air
While the beggar cries
I never said I was your alibi
I never said that I’d repeat your lies
From the tenements where dreams all die
No Way, No Way out
When you tell your stories
The whole room starts to snore
But when they bring the check around
You’re heading out the door
You’re always bumming cigarettes
Or trying to borrow cash
You never pay your bills on time
Refuse to take a bath
You flaming asshole
A real cocksucker
You fucking dickhead
A motherfucker
You’ve got to be the biggest
Asshole in the world
You’re almost pushing forty
But hit on high school girls
You lie about the job you have
A racist and a bore
You have a gun collection
Waiting for world war
You flaming asshole
A real cocksucker
You fucking dickhead
A motherfucker
You’re petty and vindictive
You’re stupid and your mean
A momma’s boy who’s scared of germs
But not enough to clean
If you could be an animal
Then it would be an ass
You’re arrogant and useless
You have no fucking class
You flaming asshole
A real cocksucker
You fucking dickhead
A motherfucker
I heard you’re selling real estate
And fire insurance too
A cheapskate and a liar who
Complains about the Jews
You’re smug and condescending
But barely got through school
A liar and a braggart
A mother fucking fool
You flaming asshole
You’ll die a loner
The thought of money
Gives you a boner
You flaming asshole
A real cocksucker
An aging bigot
A motherfucker
You flaming asshole
A real cocksucker
You fucking dickhead
A motherfucker
The world is crumbling beneath the weight
Of mass stupidity and rampant hate
Our leaders just sit back and contemplate
Justification for a police state
The battle rages from the left to right
A race to see who can remove more rights
With censorship and questioned loyalty
To rigged elections, mid east royalty
You have a right to stay a fool
So get a job, become a tool
You have the talent to succeed
At satisfying people’s greed
Good thing they have a sale on lubricant
The televisions tells you what to think
The cars to buy, the alcohol to drink
The shit they sell is piled miles high
An industry founded on telling lies
Retarded singers with moronic songs
Makes you wonder if Darwin was wrong
In the survival of the really lame
Where only losers seem to win the game
You have a right to stay a fool
So get a job, become a tool
You have the talent to succeed
At satisfying people’s greed
Good thing they have a sale on lubricant
The stream of life is full of acid rain
The lunatics are leading the insane
Mental incompetence is king today
This ship of fools is sinking down the drain
Drugs and violence haunt the city streets
Criminals have bought local police
We buy from China, not Japan
Because they can’t afford a congressman
You have a right to stay a fool
So get a job, become a tool
You have the talent to succeed
At satisfying people’s greed
Good thing they have a sale on lubricant
Spoken: Aren’t you tired of dealing with mortgage lenders who don’t seem to care about your needs?
Well come on down to the friendly people of Whiteland Saving and Loan and get the respect you deserve
Please help us serve you better
Our special bond has just begun
Our business, is your pleasure
So let us make you number one
Please help us serve you better
Press one for English, if you will
Hold while we look up your records
I think by now you know the drill
Please help us serve you better
We take our business personal
The others do not like you
Cause they’re all homosexuals
Please help us serve you better
And let us know just how you feel
The others are all child molesters
Who torture animals and steal
Please help us serve you better
We aim to please, so let us give
The others sleep with corpses
And they do not deserve to live
Please help us serve you better
You know how glad we are you called
The other guys all mock you
Let’s get them up against the wall
There’s no excuse for what they did to you
The purple nurples and the wedgies too
It made you scared to go to school
You’re going to show them a thing or two
Dork’s revenge!
Still a virgin till you’re 25
Let them wait till Windows 95
They say a rich man can not go to heaven
Just let them wait till Office 97
Dork!
They used to pick on you way back in school
Now who’s the one who’s looking like a fool?
A skinny kid who couldn’t get a girl
You swore someday that you would rule the world
Dork!
Be kind to your colon
Be gentle on your spleen
Be nice to your kidneys
You aren’t seventeen
Be kind to your colon
Be careful with your spleen
Be nice to your kidneys
You are not seventeen
You can drink a fifth of bourbon
You can let it all hang out
You can snort some marijuana
Run down the street and shout
Just be kind to your colon
Be gentle on your spleen
Be nice to your kidneys
Cause you aren’t seventeen
I said, Jimmy don’t shimmy
And Jessica don’t dance
Julie’s unruly
Her hands down my pants
Be kind to your colon
Be gentle on your spleen
Be nice to your kidneys
You know what I mean
INDEX
