Ladies Home Journal: Were did you come up with the title for the CD?

Jim: Well, 'The Devils Plaything' represents the entertainers in the circus being pawns of some malevelant force.

LHJ: Satan?

Jim: It could be Satan. Or just some unscrouplous promoter. As long as there have been artists, there have been people to exploit their need for expression.

LHJ: That sounds kind of bitter for someone who's sold 12 billion albums.

Jim: Okay, but that was done without any airplay.

LHJ: Then how do you explain selling that many albums?

Jim: Word of mouth.

LHJ: But you really think entertainers are exploited?

Jim: No, I just said that so it sounds like I have integrity. You know, I was trying to go for some Eddie Vedder type of thing.

LHJ: To be perfectly honest, it doesn't even seem possible to sell 12 billion albums. There are only 6 billion people on the planet.

Jim: Sure, but some of them have bought as many as two or three records.

LHJ: How did you arrive at the 12 billion figure, anyway? I got it from your press release. How exact is that number?

Jim: It has a margin of error of several billion albums.

LHJ: What would you define as 'several' billion?

Jim: About twelve.

LHJ: Okay. And what about the subtitle, 'The Maestro Dies at Midnight.' How did you choose that?

Jim: It was just the most grandiose title I could think of. It not only implies some kind of musical genius, it also makes a play at people's pity. You know - 'Look at me, the poor tortured artist. Oh, I'm suffering, help me. Give me some money or sexual favors.' That kind of thing.

LHJ: I see. I've heard you give out your CD's to friends and aquaintances. That sounds pretty nice.

Jim: That's the ironic thing. People invariably mistake vanity and self involvement for generosity. That really kills me some times.

LHJ: So you're saying it's just shameless self promotion?

Jim: You bet. And self indulgent too - Normally, I would say an artist can't be too self indulgent. What does that mean, they're too original, or idiosyncratic? But I've managed to take self indulgence to a new low. I mean, 'The Devils Plaything' is a perfect example. After the first song, there are about 4 or 5 totally pretentious pseudo classical pieces that are hard to even listen to without wanting to slit your wrists.

I mean, recording some pseudo-classical pieces when you can't even read music, and are too lazy to record them properly, is pretty self indulgent.

'The Smegma Express' was the same way. A really depressing album. One person told me he listened to it a lot, but the first time he heard it, it made him want to put a gun to his head.

I can't even listen to some of my records, they're such incredible downers. But I love that Maestro tag, even though I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Maestro. Hah.

LHJ: Then why do you do it?

Jim: I figure that if I can fool women into believing that I'm some kind of musical genius, they'll surrender themselves to me, which I'm more than shallow enough to except, unless they're really hagged out. I mean, I've got to exercize some standards.

LHJ: But you're saying those standards, don't apply to music. Only to women you sleep with.

Jim: Exactly.

LHJ: Well a lot of your songs, like 'Love Gone Cold,' for example, sound really heartfelt. Like you're a sensitive performer, expressing his deepest longings, passions and regrets.

Jim: I know. Isn't that cool? I've managed to convince people I'm actually sensitive. 'Love Gone Cold' was originally about some slutty dancer in a go go bar. But now it's like - 'Look at me. I'm so sad and lonely.' What a goof. Really. I record most of my ballads while watching pornography. It helps me concentrate.

LHJ: I see. I have to say, I'm a little surprised. You had me fooled.

Jim: I get that a lot.

LHJ: Still, some people say your songs are eclectic and original.

Jim: That's funny. 'The Feeling's Gone' is an exact ripoff of 'Stairway to Heaven.' 'Love Gone Cold' is just 'Beat it' without Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo. I replaced it with a horn section and changed four of the words.

LHJ: So the impression I'm getting isn't a sensitive songwriter, who's genuinely concerned about art, but a shallow, materialistic, self absorbed, womanizing plagerizer who's a sloppy dresser as well.

Jim: No, that's not true. I'm not a sloppy dresser.